The Complexities of Raising Kids Without Maternal Guidance: What I Wish I Had Known
There’s a unique and sometimes silent weight that comes with motherhood—especially when you’re doing it without the maternal guidance you wish you had. For me, this weight feels heavier because my partner and I both share the experience of losing our moms. We navigate this journey of raising kids without their nurturing presence, and every single day, I’m reminded of how much I wish I could pick up the phone and hear my mom’s voice—her advice, her support, and even her laughter echoing in the background as we move through the motions of life.
The complexities of raising children without that essential guiding figure are layered. It’s not just about the day-to-day tasks of being a mom—feeding, dressing, and running errands. It’s about the quiet moments when you find yourself at a crossroads and wish you could turn to someone who’s been there before. The kind of support that doesn’t come with a list of instructions, but with a knowing nod, a smile, and the wisdom passed down over years of motherhood.
What I Wish I Had Known
When I became a mom for the first time, I wasn’t prepared for the emotional floodgates that would open—things I didn’t know I needed to process until I was actually in the thick of it. Here are some of the things I wish I had known about raising kids without the comfort of maternal advice:
The Guilt is Real, But You Have to Let Go of It I didn’t realize how much I would miss my mom’s presence in the little moments—like figuring out when my baby should start solid foods or which toys were best for his developmental stage. I also didn’t realize that I would question myself constantly, wondering if I was making the "right" choices. The guilt of being a first-time mom is something I wish I could have been better prepared for. Not having my mom around to reassure me meant that every choice I made felt monumental. But over time, I learned that motherhood isn’t a checklist of right and wrong decisions; it’s about trying your best and giving your child a foundation of love and security, even if it’s messy and imperfect.
The Emotional Rollercoaster is Real There are days when I feel like I’m juggling everything—being a teacher, a partner, and a mom—and then there are days when the weight of it all hits me. When I need advice, a hug, or even just someone to vent to, I’m reminded that I no longer have my mom to lean on. The emotional journey is one I didn’t anticipate in such a raw way. But what I’ve learned through this is that it's okay to feel lost sometimes. It’s okay to feel a sense of longing for the support that isn’t physically present. The emotional highs and lows of motherhood, especially without maternal guidance, are part of the journey, and embracing them is how you grow.
Creating Your Own Support System is Key Losing your mom means that you may not have access to that built-in support system. But what I’ve come to realize is that it’s essential to build your own community of support. In my case, it’s been friends, my partner, and even fellow moms who understand what I’m going through. They may not be able to fill the shoes of my mom, but they help me create a nurturing environment for my child. The village is real, and it’s not just about family—it’s about surrounding yourself with people who care, who understand, and who are there for you in the moments when you feel like you’re treading water.
You Will Have to Trust Your Intuition My mom’s absence has forced me to lean into my own intuition more than I ever imagined. While the advice would have been comforting, I’ve come to trust that I have everything I need within me to be the best mother I can be for my son. The self-doubt that crept in at the start of this journey has been replaced with a quiet confidence in my abilities. I know my child better than anyone else, and that instinct—the one that says "I got this"—is the most powerful tool I’ve discovered in motherhood.
The Emotional Journey of Missing the Support of Your Mom
There’s an undeniable ache that comes with missing your mom while raising your child. I feel it when my son reaches milestones that I know she would have adored witnessing—his first steps, his first words, and even his little quirks. I want to share those moments with her. But even more than that, I miss the guidance, the long phone calls filled with wisdom and humor, and the sense of being seen and understood as a mother.
One of the hardest parts, though, is the longing for my child to have the experience of knowing her. I wish my son could have felt the love and warmth she would have poured into him. I wish he could have sat on her lap, heard her tell him stories, and experienced her joyful laughter filling up the room. It’s something that tugs at my heart deeply. He’ll never know the bond they could have had, and that’s one of the most difficult parts of this journey—wanting to share the person who shaped you with your own child, but knowing that that chapter will never come.
It’s a strange experience—being a mother myself, but still longing for the comfort of my own mother’s nurturing advice. I find myself thinking, "If only she were here to see this," and "What would she say about this situation?" Those thoughts sometimes bring tears, and sometimes they bring laughter. I think about how she would have held my baby boy, how she would have swooped in to help when I was overwhelmed, and how she would have been my biggest cheerleader.
But as I navigate the ups and downs of motherhood, I’ve learned to turn that longing into something positive. It fuels me to give my child the same love, joy, and support that I received from her. I do it for myself, and I do it for my son, knowing that while I can’t physically be with her, I carry her love and teachings in everything I do.
Creating a Nurturing Environment Without Maternal Guidance
Without my mom here, I’ve had to find new ways to nurture and support my child in the same way she did for me. I remind myself that the love and strength I need to raise my son are already within me. I have the tools to create a nurturing home, filled with warmth, stability, and guidance. In moments when I doubt myself, I think about the love my mom poured into me, and I channel that energy into creating the best life I can for my son.
Motherhood, without the maternal guidance I wish I had, is still beautiful, still meaningful, and still full of growth. It’s not without its challenges, but it’s a journey that I take on with resilience, love, and the memory of my mom as my guiding star. And I know, one day, my son will understand that even in her absence, I gave him everything I could—just as my mom would have wanted.
